Tuesday, April 17, 2012

Erika's "who gives a crap what i have to say" blu blu blurb

Erika Crisp & Bobby Amaru her better half and Lead Singer for Saliva

this will be my first 'for shits & giggles' blog... so all you groupies out there, if you read what i write & take it personally, get offended, or feel that buzz in the back of your head that i might be talking about you, well its probably because i am talking about you, to you, for you, related to you, etc... & your friends too cause ya know what they say, birds of a feather... whaa whaa whaa...

so in general i will just be making lighthearted comments or posts about all the stereotypical BS surrounding the wonderful world of music & all those wonderful people in it. basically poking a little fun here & there & giving credit where credit is due, as i see it...

before i get all into my thoughts on those lovely ladies we call groupies, i thought i would share something that had come across my path many years ago from the perspective of a musician & then give my retort from the perspective of a musicians 'significant other'... & it goes a little something like this...


-Don't try to be the "manager", do not get involved with band business, that is for the band. -Don't ask his band mates for relationship advice. -Do Not complain when your (insert holiday here) date gets cancelled because a show has been scheduled. Holidays are no longer yours. Even Valentines Day! ***-It's NOT mandatory that you are at every show.*** -Do not get jealous when your boyfriend talks to groupies. They are the one's buying the CDs and merch, not you, so let them have their time. And remember...you get to go home with him! -Babies don't make men quit bands....especially if you were a groupie. -No, the band does not want you to go on tour with them. Like your going to sleep in the back of a van and eat ramen noodles for 4 months strait!? -Don't make the following introduction: Hi! I'm _____. My boyfriend is in ______. -Don't follow him around at shows like a lost puppy, he is taking care of business, find your own crowd. -Don't go to band practice. And it's normal to have practice more than once a week. -Do not assume everyone loves your boyfriend's band. -Don't make out with other band members girlfriends at the bar. Save that for the after party. -Don't turn yourself into a walking flyer for your boyfriend's band. The shirt is fine, but must you break out the hat, the hoodie, AND the stickers on your ass? -Do not stand in front of your boyfriend while he is onstage and stare at him like he is the greatest singer in thew world. -No rumpshaka dances during the show, that is unless your man is in 2 Live Crew. -Do not change your style based on the type of band you date. Going from preppy to Nu to hardcore shows you are not your own individual. -If he calls while out on the road, don't complain about when he is coming home. You're lucky he is using the quarter to call you, instead of buying gas or food. -Never say anything negative about your man's band that you cannot say to him. It will only come back to bite you in the ass. -If your a stripper, keep work on the pole, not at shows. Not everyone wants to know you shop at FREDRICKS ! -Never cause a fight right before your man goes on stage. Relationship problems can be dealt with after the show. -If they have a show out of town, don't drive just so you and your boy can have "alone time". Because you want to "talk". -Don't buy your man a new instrument so he and his band mates can match -You cannot drink on the band's tab! Buy your own.. The Tour Manager works for the band, not the girlfriends. Get your own ass into catering,etc... -Keep the band separate from your everyday life. That's your boyfriend's passion, find your own! whoever wrote this deserves a pat on the back!!!

...so okay, makes sense right? yeah, for the most part i agree. but now let me say that there is a little bit of a double standard here when 'dating' a musician & this is what i have to say about that...

a few responses to your "guidelines"... (clears throat)...
1st, most musicians wives/girlfriends or flip the gender switch if the musician happens to be female, understands completely the dynamics of your ego, & the necessity to flirt w/ your fans or would be groupies in order to deepen your pockets & further your career in this industry ...BUT... fans are meant to remain fans, that does not mean you must have a relationship w/ each & every one of them. phone numbers are not to be handed out like your effing fliers, k.
2nd, life is a two way street baby, while you're at your merch table "doing business" do not get jealous if we're off talking to other band members & not by your side! we are damned if we do & damned if we dont! ------further more, if we're not in your sight that doesn't mean we are out back getting gang banged by one of the bands either! we are merely being the effervescent socialites you know & love.
3d, do not think for one moment you can get away w/ anything, you may have your, "what happens on the road stays on the road" then baby, "when the cats away the mice will play" so don't fuck w/ us.
4th, & finally, we all know how the life of a struggling musician works, if you're broke & hitting us up for food, bills, gas, etc. you can bet your ass i AM going to be drinking on your fucking band tab, cool? good.

... as mentioned above, this was written many years back as well as my response but i thought it was a good little piece of crap to bring to the table & talk shit about... okay go.

By: Erika Crisp The Connexion Group column writer

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